Preparing or you (our little King)

In late September 2003, i walked into a nightclub in Berlin on a Crownn promotional night that changed my life. I met the mother of my son Sebastian Bo Fitts.

By trait, I have always been one to jump into things and I was forewarned this time to just have fun but “Beau dont get this girl pregnant!”. I didnt listen.. Katrin was warm, beautiful, my type and in total need of someone. Ironically so was I.

After dating a few months in which she had moved into my home in Neukoln (63 Thomas Str) to be exact, she fell pregnant. It would be a complete lie, if I wrote by mistake, we intentionally tried to get pregnant.

Yeah we were both out of our mind in love. Katrin suffered from depression and bulimea and I suffered from loneliness as well as stupidity. I only moved from munich a few months prior to meeting Katrin, for a new start, and i knew better. I didnt know what bulimea was or cared but i loved the control of someone needing me.

I had no idea what Berlin was about nor knew of anyone from East Berlin. I had heard from an artist of Crownn about the nightmares that other ex-pats had with not seeing their children with german women. I thought i was Bo Fitts and untouchable.

I was wrong.

Shortly after Katrin started showing and there was movement with Crownn (bands releases and tours), I started to play. This is one of the turing oint in our relationship and my neglect of being a 30 smething father.

Being unfaithful is like purchasing a ticket to hell. I sit and write this and its aazing the amount of karma it took for me to finally admit that i was a bad boyfriend to a pregnant girlfriend who eventually bared my child. The love of my life.

While on our with the band Phanom Black in Ireland, I not only surrendered to temptations in a place in a place where is guranteed on any given night but I started a relationship. It was during this time, which was the first time I had been apart from Katrin that i met a lovely woman by the name of Sarah O┬┤Toole. I simply didnt care or thought i was bigger than Gods blessings.

I remember te first time I noticed Katrin walking through the arrivals entry in Dublin that i noticed the bump on her belly. Sinc it was the first time we had been apart since the pregnancy, we agreed she would join me in Dublin at the end of the tour. Her arrival came when the band were jettison to Canada and after a night I had spent with Sarah. Yep, I was a complete scumbag.

A hangover and a subliminal guilty feeling inside was transparent upon hugging the mother of my unborn child. Nevertheless we pouced around Dubin in the tour van, visited soe friends who knew what I had been up to and that was that. A few days later we were boarding the ferry in Rosslaire headed back to Berlin. A trip that would take the better part of two days to complete.

Even at this stage,in my mind I was a good boyfriend because I took really good care of Katrin. She had loads of clothes, nice things in our apartment, money to spend and i work in the office room of our large Berlin stye apartment. I thought my job was done and unfortunately knew better but didnt follow moral rules.

My actions did not represent my up bringing but I did represent my youhful environment. A year or so earlier, i recieved news that my step father was caught cheating on my mother, whom he was married to for 20 years. His choice was pregnating a 19 year old. I took it harder than I showed but in reality, I didnt know how to act. I had lived in Alabama at this stage for 15 years.. I was close to them but thought they would last forever.

Loyalty was something I grew up with, but i knew right from wrong and still loved Katrin. It was my only way of showing her. At 35 I hought it was normal as long as the person who i was dating didnt find out.

I was living a lie and this was only the start.

Later in the summer of 2004, while Katrin in her birthmonths (5 months and up), displaying a larger and cute bump, I kept my long distance relationship with Sarah.

To this day, I cant believe how much of a manipulator I was, because on one trip I told Sarah as well as borrowed money from her. I was sick. The money was a for a band o promote their record, not for Katrin at the time but there was no guilty feeling..

The monumental week of meeting her parents also sets a corner stone and yellow flag that I continued to ignore. Katrin father, Andreas, had contacted me and asked to meet for a beer at a popular place in Berlin called Hacersher Market. It was one of my favorite drinking places so i was a litle excited about it. Katrin and I thought this was cool considering Andreas didnt speak English and I spoke little to no German. ( another fuck up of mine as i never tried to speak German until i had to). After 30 minutes or so, Katrin mother appeared, Renate. Eiter Katrin called me or I phoned her to tell her that her mother had joined us and she was furious. “Beau they are setting you up!”. The Alabama boy who lived in ireland for most of his adulthood was suckered..

Renate immediately asked for my passport as if she was the Gustapo herself. I realise now they were caring parents and Katrin was ill but we were happy at the time.. I lived in debauchery but we were fine. To be mor to the point, her family is the only thing we disagreed on and my irrational behavior didnt help the situation. Katrin needed calm, love and understanding around her.. I had always felt like her savior or hero and some 11 years later, I am admitting that i had let her down. Her family, the racist nazi orientated family from East Berlin capitalized on it. I remember a young German woman turning to me and stating, “your at a disadvantage” so i phone Katrin again and she immediately came to my rescue.

The thing of it is Katrin had warned me before of how her family was specifically her mother. I had promised her that i would never let her down. She had promised me also stating , “Jerome no matter what, if something happens with me, you take Sebo.” This was before he was born.

The latter statement went so far that after the Hackersher Market incident with her parents she went and got a court injunction for her parents to stay away from her. Did it matter, eventually not, because super stupid Beau allowed the sneaky nazis in my door. Thats right, I say Nazi because they are. There is nothing within these words written that are not true as God, who is our ultimate punisher, is my witness.

I knew I didnt come from a strong foundation family wise and at this point I did what I knew and that was to provide a stable home for my girlfriend and unborn child. This was September 2004 and Katrin was 6 months pregnant and it was just us.